Shir~
10-07-2006, 08:23 AM
I'm trying my best not to make this sound like some emo kid's sob stories because I know that at times I get irritated by those as well.
Depression... Some people are lucky enough to get diagnosed and treated for whatever issues or chemical imbalances that they have in their head through therapy or medication. Others like me aren't as lucky.
Approximately 6 months ago, I got exploited into doing things that I would never have dared or even dreamt of in my wildest nightmares but as always, the unexpected happened. I was stuck in that situation for nearly 2 months with no one to talk to under threatens and blackmail.
I manged to get out somewhere in Mid May cos I fell sick with a couple of STDs from what the bastards did to me and the one in charge chucked me out. At that point of time, I grew so scared and tired of everything in life. They said that everything happened for a reason but why this? Why me? I thought that stories of exploitation only occured in 3rd world countries and what nots. I live in a cosmopolitan society and did NOT expect such a thing to happen. I went into recluse. Afraid to face the monsters that I might see in the small city that I live in. (Considering that it takes less than 45minutes of smooth traffic to drive from one end of the island to the other) I was seriously at a loss and then I discovered friends... Friends from the States, UK, South Africa etc who were willing to help me out. But it wasn't enough was it? I needed and wanted someone beside me to just maybe give me a simple hug and to tell me that things would be alright at the same time I repelled to touch. I flinched whenever someone touched me no matter how much I craved it.
I finally managed to trust this man that I met... However, it didn't help that he (now-ex-bf) treated me like some sex toy as well. I craved his acceptance and love but I guess things just didn't work out because I was still in a bad shape, no longer the party girl nor wacky one with a permanent smile on her face. I had to quit school and refused to see anyone or go anywhere. I just stayed in my room, shaking, crying or contemplating the best way to kill myself with the littlest pain possible.
I can't remember the number of times I've misused my sleeping tablets etc to achieve a state of eternal sleep but it didn't work out too well.
The only support I have from my Father is financial. My mom however can't get along with me for the kicks of it either. We're just too different, religion being the cause of all the emnity between us both.
My best friends only found out what happened to me in August and they have been supportive. Now I'm just wondering... How do I move from being a victim to a survivor in the sense that I live life instead of life living me? I wanted to go for therapy but confidentiality means nuts to authorities when your a fridgin minor from where I come from. I'm stuck in a barely 300miles squared island with no where to go, not knowing what to do. It's like a rut that I want to get out off but can't.
So what should I do now? I've failed to die from CO poisoning, I tried to jump from some building yesterday but a sudden call from my friend to stay over at her place foiled it. I'm just at a loss. I can't live life but I can't die either. This is getting old. Right now I'm numb to the point that I can't feel happiness, love or hatred. I don't even hate the bastards who placed me in that position. They can go contract AIDs for all I care and I won't even bat an eyelid.
Depression... Some people are lucky enough to get diagnosed and treated for whatever issues or chemical imbalances that they have in their head through therapy or medication. Others like me aren't as lucky.
Approximately 6 months ago, I got exploited into doing things that I would never have dared or even dreamt of in my wildest nightmares but as always, the unexpected happened. I was stuck in that situation for nearly 2 months with no one to talk to under threatens and blackmail.
I manged to get out somewhere in Mid May cos I fell sick with a couple of STDs from what the bastards did to me and the one in charge chucked me out. At that point of time, I grew so scared and tired of everything in life. They said that everything happened for a reason but why this? Why me? I thought that stories of exploitation only occured in 3rd world countries and what nots. I live in a cosmopolitan society and did NOT expect such a thing to happen. I went into recluse. Afraid to face the monsters that I might see in the small city that I live in. (Considering that it takes less than 45minutes of smooth traffic to drive from one end of the island to the other) I was seriously at a loss and then I discovered friends... Friends from the States, UK, South Africa etc who were willing to help me out. But it wasn't enough was it? I needed and wanted someone beside me to just maybe give me a simple hug and to tell me that things would be alright at the same time I repelled to touch. I flinched whenever someone touched me no matter how much I craved it.
I finally managed to trust this man that I met... However, it didn't help that he (now-ex-bf) treated me like some sex toy as well. I craved his acceptance and love but I guess things just didn't work out because I was still in a bad shape, no longer the party girl nor wacky one with a permanent smile on her face. I had to quit school and refused to see anyone or go anywhere. I just stayed in my room, shaking, crying or contemplating the best way to kill myself with the littlest pain possible.
I can't remember the number of times I've misused my sleeping tablets etc to achieve a state of eternal sleep but it didn't work out too well.
The only support I have from my Father is financial. My mom however can't get along with me for the kicks of it either. We're just too different, religion being the cause of all the emnity between us both.
My best friends only found out what happened to me in August and they have been supportive. Now I'm just wondering... How do I move from being a victim to a survivor in the sense that I live life instead of life living me? I wanted to go for therapy but confidentiality means nuts to authorities when your a fridgin minor from where I come from. I'm stuck in a barely 300miles squared island with no where to go, not knowing what to do. It's like a rut that I want to get out off but can't.
So what should I do now? I've failed to die from CO poisoning, I tried to jump from some building yesterday but a sudden call from my friend to stay over at her place foiled it. I'm just at a loss. I can't live life but I can't die either. This is getting old. Right now I'm numb to the point that I can't feel happiness, love or hatred. I don't even hate the bastards who placed me in that position. They can go contract AIDs for all I care and I won't even bat an eyelid.