What Am I Doing With My Life?

[LookForClarity]

At the moment I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I just quit my job, I dropped out of college and sleep and watch tv. I have medicine to help, but... I don't know, it doesn't. I haven't told my parents anything yet and I am soo scared. I want to cry at night when no one is around to see. I spend time with friends and play the part of the happy and silly friend who they all come to when they have problems. That's the thing, I am the one that always solves their problems, or at least helps, and now that my life is going down the tubes I can't help myself and it frustrates me. I don't know what I want to do in my life. I have a few things I think I would enjoy, but I would have to move out of state to go to school for them. Then there is the part where I have medical problems as well and have three doctors all wanting to see me every three months. Keep in mind that the expenses of my meds are not cheap. I have one med that is about $5,000 a month plus all the others. Also, if I am not enrolled in school, since I am eighteen I can't be put as a dependent on my parents insurance. I find myself falling into my favorite tv shows or books and writing or sleeping to avoid the truth of my situation. I am falling apart, mentally, physically, and emotionally and I can't seem to be able to let someone in to help me. I just want it all to stop and go away and I know it won't and that just makes it worse. Sitting around thinking about if you had just said something earlier or done something different it would be different. I don't know what to do.

[missy_17]

I'm sorry you're finding your situation so difficult. My advice? Talk to your parents or any close friends. It will be hard to tell them at first but telling someone is always the best way to start getting on with things. I remember after my dad left my mum she didnt talk to anyone except my brother and me and didnt go out. I told her to call her family - she did and they were very supportive. The next day her friend came round and talked to her all day.

I know it seems impossible and like you are in a vicious circle, but you should really tell someone so that you don't have to deal with it on your own.

I hope I've been of some help. Please don't hesitate to PM me :)

Take care,
Jo xxxxxxxx

[LookForClarity]

I can't seem to get out of this rut of finding my life is going well and then for some reason or another I think I actually try and do something to destroy that feeling. I've had so many chances to start over and do it right, but every time I end up doing something that leads to me falling back down in that same gutter of self loathing. Could it be that I don't like feeling happy? Am I scared that if things do go well for me that I might be happy? The thing is that I like to please people. I am one of those people who would give a sworen enemy five dollars if they asked kindly enough. Even if hadn't asked me, I would still offer because I like the way I feel when I help people. And here we are again to: "I just can't seem to help myself.".

[sammypoo1]

I can't seem to get out of this rut of finding my life is going well and then for some reason or another I think I actually try and do something to destroy that feeling. I've had so many chances to start over and do it right, but every time I end up doing something that leads to me falling back down in that same gutter of self loathing. Could it be that I don't like feeling happy? Am I scared that if things do go well for me that I might be happy? The thing is that I like to please people. I am one of those people who would give a sworen enemy five dollars if they asked kindly enough. Even if hadn't asked me, I would still offer because I like the way I feel when I help people. And here we are again to: "I just can't seem to help myself.".
Hmm ok I have an idea, something small but it will hopefully help :) I noticed in your signature you have poetry, do you like to write it aswell? If so start to make a book or collection of your own stuff, about how you feel. Whenever you feel upset, like you want to talk to someone or tell them something but you can't, write a poem! It will be a way of releasing your emotions and it will also give you something to do. There are a few sites where you can share poetry, aswell as here of course ;) but only when you feel ready to share it.

I'm like you, I like to make people happy even if it causes me to be unhappy, but a guy that I work with said to me, sometimes you have to learn to care a little less in what people think about you. There's nothing wrong in caring about others, I think more people need to care about others, but at the same time don't get so involved in someone elses emotions and feelings that when they get hurt you do aswell.

If you even want to talk, pm me

Sammy

[LookForClarity]

I do write poetry and it helps, but people say that it is depressing and sad or dark, but I like it. I don't really care what people think about me, I just don't like to see people hurting or sad. I can be perfectly fine with making a fool out of myself in front of a crowd. I recently talked to my mom and she has helped me also. She didn't get angry but supported me in trying to find something that I want to do. I think another problem I have is that I want to do everything. I want to the best at everything. I have a competitive side and I don't like to work with others. I get bored easily and like change. If you know of anywhere to post 'amateur' poetry and have others critique and comment on it I love to know. Thank you for your help and suggestions. Feel free to PM me any time as well!

[sammypoo1]

I do write poetry and it helps, but people say that it is depressing and sad or dark, but I like it. I don't really care what people think about me, I just don't like to see people hurting or sad. I can be perfectly fine with making a fool out of myself in front of a crowd. I recently talked to my mom and she has helped me also. She didn't get angry but supported me in trying to find something that I want to do. I think another problem I have is that I want to do everything. I want to the best at everything. I have a competitive side and I don't like to work with others. I get bored easily and like change. If you know of anywhere to post 'amateur' poetry and have others critique and comment on it I love to know. Thank you for your help and suggestions. Feel free to PM me any time as well!
It's really good you managed to talk to your mum :) Ever thought of taking part in a sport? Normally they are very competitive and you can find a sprot where you can play solo :confused: Your poetry is just expressing how you feel and there is nothing wrong with something sad, depressing or dark, alot of that sort of poetry is very moving. Hmm I think my friend might have a link to a poetry site she belongs to, I'll have a word and if she does have the link I'll pm it to you :)

[Mahas]

Well, I think if it´s difficult for you talk to your parents (at least now), you should talk to anyone else, like a good friend or maybe a specialist.
Depression is hard to deal with.
Definitely, when someone feels that way, must ask for help.
It was really great for you to decide to write in this board.

I believe when you talk to someone else you will see the things in a different way.
Now, you feel like everything is ending, But it doesnt have to be that way if you don´t want to.

Remember that the darkest moment of the night is the closest to the sunshine.

(Excuseme if my English is not very good, my native language is Spanish)

If you want to pm me, feel free to do it.

Blessings
Maha-Shakty

[Mander]

You could have been describing me just a year ago. I went through this "rut" for so long. I thought that College was something I had to do when I graduated. I thought it was what my mom wanted for me and I went for her. I tried to get good grades for her. In the end, I flunked out. I also have no insurance and have struggled for years with paying for meds for my diabetes. I actually go so desperate for help at one point that I went to attempt to get a medical card - nothing else just that - I was in the situation where if I didn't have my meds I would die. Basically, at the age of 19 they told me to go get pregnant and come back and they could help me. Oh yeah! Like that would make my life easier! I found out by contacting the company who makes your meds that they can help you out in many many cases. One of the companies who make mine - Lilly - are wonderful!

Anyway, the point to this post is to share with you the one thing that I had to learn. Happiness is something you have to dictate yourself. No one can tell you how to live your life and you have to do things for yourself and to make yourself happy. Once I realized this, my life made a complete turn around - although it took me years. I'm now working a good job that I enjoy, I'm making decent money, I'm in college full time, I'm making good grades, and I have a goal that I'm closer to reaching every day. Everyone in my life has commented on how much I've changed. The trick was I had to change and do things for myself. I too used to watch too much tv and sleep constantly. Now I get up and have coffee with my mom most mornings and instead of spending the day in my pjs I get dressed and do things. It took me years to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and what to take in college and I'm still not 100% sure - I'm changing my major again although this time it's in the same field! I got a job that helped me to branch out and see what I wanted to do and was interested in.

It's not an easy change to make but it is possible - I promise. When the time is right, you'll know it and you'll find yourself making the changes necessary. BTW it's important to have support too so make sure to talk to family and friends to keep up your moral and get things off your chest.