MMid Fan
01-06-2007, 05:50 AM
Well it was a slow day at work. After I looked at Ryebeach's post of the golf promo picture in the other thread it kept crossing my mind. Now I'm really becoming crazily obssesed I had practically a whole fictional episode worked out in my head. It has been clogging my silly brain for the last 24 hours so i figured well I might as well write it down and edit it. I have no idea how long real scripts were but it seems to me this could actually pass as a not half bad episode. I even tried to write it in the same style as the show, where there are line spaces in the text is ussually on the show when you get the "whoosh" and switch between scenes. Not totally original some concepts are similiar to other episodes ect but ill post it here, maybe someone will get a laugh. I'm not a real writer this was a spur of the moment project so feel free to criticise all you want.
MINI-GOLF (Malcolm in the Middle fictional episode 152)
Hal is driving the van and Lois is in the passenger seat with Reese, Malcolm, Dewey and Jamie in the back. All the windows are open and they are sweating on a very hot summer day, after graduation.
Malcolm (to camera): Mom is getting sentimental about me leaving for college soon. She keeps insisting we go on family outings together. Each time my family is seen in public without being recognized, I consider that a good day.
Lois: This is going to be so much fun!
Reese: Why did I have to leave my air conditioned apartment to come sweat hitting some golf balls.
Lois: We don't have much time left with your brother. And because I said so.
Reese: I don't even live with you anymore you can't....oh nevermind.
Dewey: but Francis isn't even here!
Lois: Thats his own fault. I told him to meet us hours ago.
(Cell phone rings, Hal hands it to Lois)
Hal: you talk to him
Lois: Hello
(ON cell phone in another car) Francis: Where are you? You didn't wait for us?
Lois: Francis I told you hours ago we were leaving. Just meet us there. It is only a few minutes from the house.
Francis: Fine. We'll be right there. (hangs up)
(in the passenger seat of Francis' car) Piama: What are you doing? Why didn't you tell her we are still an hour away?
Francis: And give her the satisfaction of knowing we left late? I don't think so.
Piama: Well at least slow down we are going to get a ticket.
(2 seconds later flashing blue lights)
(Van pulls into a parking lot with a large sign that reads “Fun for the Whole Family”. The family gets out)
Lois: Jamie be a good boy today and we will have lots of fun!
(Lois struggles to get Jamie out of the van as he squirms)
Lois: I would appreciate if everyone can help keep an eye on Jamie today. He has been....
(Lois looks around and sees the rest of the family is out of earshot already)
(approaches a counter run by a teenage clerk. A large sign reads “Entrance”and“ Hole in One on 18th wins the ice cream of your choice!!!”)
Hal: we have 8. I have a coupon for half price for a round for a family
clerk: OK but that only covers a party of 4, you will have to pay full for 4.
Hal: what? it clearly says family, this is my family
clerk: sorry only 1 party of four on a hole at a time, you need 2 groups.
(disgruntled) Hal: here we will just take 4 clubs (hands some money)
(Lois approaches carrying Jamie. Clerk begins handing Hal clubs.)
(Hal passes out the clubs)
Hal: One for Dewey and Me.(hands to Dewey) One for Malcolm and Reese.(hands to Malcolm) One for Francis and Piama, Reese hold this till they get here (hands to Reese). And one for Jamie and mommie(hands a baby sized club to Jamie)
Lois: Hal Jamie is not old enough to hit the ball in the hole. And what Am I supposed to do with a 2 foot club. We'll be lucky if he doesn't use it as weapon.
Hal: Don't be silly honey, it will be fun.(Hal turns around to the counter to get the balls. Jamie swings the club at Hal's head and Lois, still holding Jamie, grabs it with her other hand 2 inches from impact, she puts Jamie down and is ready to scold him)
(Hals now has the balls and very quickly turns and gives 1 to Jamie. Jamie runs and toss the ball, it bounces off the sign, off a tree a to a hole in one on the first hole)
Hal: See, he is a natural at this!
(Lois, still holding the golf club gives a stare of disbelief and then runs after Jamie)
(still standing at the edge of the parking lot is Malcolm and Reese)
(a sporty convertible pulls in with 4 teen girls getting out)
Malcolm: Hey weren't those girls in our class?
Reese: how should I know?
(back at the counter) Dewey: It's 90 degrees out here I want an ice cream.
(back at the counter) Hal: don't be silly, we aren't buying an ice cream from these Robber Barons, we will win it just like the sign says!
(Reese wondering off, talking to himself) Reese: Free ice cream? Good idea.
Malcolm (now alone, staring at the girls): Ya, thats Rachael. And Beth, I think I saw her on the school tennis team. Great! Now we get to be made fun of for going mini-golf with out parents. Wait! They are mini-golfing too they can't make fun of us for that. If we can just somehow watch each others back and pretend we aren't with Mom? OK Reese? (looks around and the rest of the family is gone) Reese?
(Beth approaches, with the other girls giggling in the background)
Beth: Talking to yourself? And what are you gawking at? And your...
(interrupted by a loud yell out of sight)
Lois: MALCOLM! Get over here we are starting!
(Malcolm turns and runs to Lois)
(Reese is alone, looking at the 18th hole. It has a sign “Hole in one wins a free Ice cream of your choce”. The machine is covered to prevent cheating, tickets come out of the side of the machine.)
Reese: This will work
(Reese walks towards a nearby shed and is now in a maintenance area looking around. Tools, gardening supplies and a lawnmower are nearby)
Reese: nice!
(picks up a tarp some cardboard, rope and some long pipes along with the golf club)
(Francis with his hands on the hood of the car)
Francis: If you just knew my mother you would realize why it really was necessary to do 90 in a 60MPH zone officer!
Piama: (in a cute summer dress) Officer we are sorry. It won't happen again. Francis just take the ticket and stop arguing lets go.
Officer: Next time I see you driving like that on my stretch of highway you are done for mister. Get out of here.
(Malcolm stands around staring at the girls who are 1 hole behind them)
(on a tee of a simple hole with no obstacle Dewey takes a shot without even aiming)
Dewey: I want an ice cream.
Hal: you aren't going to win an ice cream with shots like that. This is how you do it.
(wiggles hips and takes a careful shot scoring a hole in 1.)
Hal: ha-cha! (celebratory motions)
(Lois steps up to the tee and bending over with Jamie in front they swing the 2 foot club together, it slips from Lois hands and Jamie swings it into her leg)
Lois: Ouch! Jamie!
(Beth approaches Malcolm)
Beth: Did you know your...
Hal (interrupting): Malcolm your up!
Malcolm: Oh, right. (he turns away from the girls for the first time)
(an outside view of the 18th hole is shown. People are playing. A tarp is rigged like a tent to obscure the side of the hole and has a large cardboard sign that reads “Free ice cream discontinued. The manager is on vacation. Please send all complaints by mail only. Thanks You”)
(Reese is seen smiling, hiding under a tarp collecting tickets from a machine with one hand and holding a vanilla ice cream cone in the other)
Reese: lets see, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, mint, then rocky road...
(Jamie stands by the edge of a pond holding a giant goldfish by the tail)
Lois: Jamie put that down!
(fish flops back into the pond)
(Hal stands on a tee to a hole with a bridge that goes over the pond)
Hal: You see Dewey, holes like this are killer. Plop in the water, game over! But that only happens to amateurs. It is all psychological. The green is straight!
Dewey: (frowning): How about a lemonade?
(ignoring him, Hal takes the shot. The straight shot inexplicably curves and plops in the pond)
Hal (frowning) what the? (bending down examining bridge then stands and holds out his arms and balances on one foot)
Hal: The grade here is funny, totally unacceptable for a professional course. I mean obstacles are one thing, that is part of the game son. But look at this shoddy bridge, nobody can hit the ball over this misshapen monstrosity.
(Jamie suddenly hits the ball for a hole in one and runs by on the bridge with Lois limping after him)
Hal: good thing we have an extra ball. Where are Francis and Piama anyway?
(Malcolm is staring back at the girls some distance away. The group of 3 girls are seen looking back and laughing, the fourth one Beth has arms crossed and looks upset staring back. He tries winking at Beth)
Malcolm (to camera): It's not just me right? She really is staring at me?
(After Jamie's shot he smiles, waves and tries to act suave hitting the ball.)
(Reese at a counter)
clerk: didn't i see you here already?
Reese: my family doesn't like ice cream they gave me all their tickets.
Clerk: whatever, just give me the tickets.
Reese: I'm going to need bowls for all these, cones melt to fast. And a bag
(at a complicated hole with many obstructions Hal is examining his ball stuck in a rut)
Hal: How are you supposed to hit the ball out of here. It is wedged in there, there is no way to take a good swing.(feigns a swing which hits a wooden obstruction)
Lois: Just pick it up and move it we don't have all day!
Hal: Don't be silly. Any golfer knows that is a stroke penalty. I won't give them the satisfaction.
(Dewey sweating, frowning approaches an ancient looking rusty bubbler)
Dewey: Water?
(he presses a lever and brown ooze drips out)
Dewey: I'll wait
Hal: don't worry son, we'll win that ice cream in no time.
(out of sight yelling) Lois: JAMIE!
(in an air conditioned car with windows closed)
Francis: I can't believe you made us waste 20 minutes pulling into that rest stop.
Piama: Well if we left on time, we would have been there by now. Then I wouldn't have had to stop.
Francis: Don't blame me. My mother is playing games with us. She doesn't want us there. Well won't she be surprised when we actually show up!
Piama: Anyway, it was worth it. Who would have thought a rest stop would have such good all natural fruit smoothies. (holding a tiny pink drink with a straw)
Francis: Give me a sip.
Piama: Sorry, empty. (holds it upside down)
(Francis frowns)
(on the same hole as before, Hal is measuring the obstructions with his club as a ruler)
Malcolm: Dad! Come one! We are holding everyone up.
(the 4 girls stand agitated waiting at the beginning of the hole)
Hal: if i can just twist this board...(pulling)
Groundskeeper: Hey! You can't do that.
Hal: there seems to be a slight...ah, misalignment on this course, I was just correcting it.
Groundskeeper: Just get your ball and move along sir.
Hal: very well ill take 7 on this hole but i am writing an explanation next to my score.
Malcolm: lets just skip to the next hole
Hal: nonsense, you can learn from my mistake, now hit it left instead of right
(on another hole)
Lois: I'm so sorry. I don't know what has gotten into him. Here.
(Lois is holding Jamie and with her other hand gives a stranger back his toupee)
(Reese is sitting in his tent eating ice cream. 1 small kid wanders around back which isn't covered)
kid: Hey you have ice cream!
Reese: beat it kid!
(kid runs)
(back on the same hole Hal is standing over Malcolm looking at a ball. Malcolm is wiggling on the ground at odd angles with his butt in the air and his club as a pool cue)
Hal: Oh, Yes like that, that will do it!
(Malcolm hits the ball and it bounces backward.)
Hal: you can't go left, you cant go right, how do you get past this thing? (kicks it)
(Malcolm stands)
Hal: where are your brothers anyway, how did they get past this thing and leave us in the dust?
Malcolm: I don't care lets just go. (looks back, girls are still staring)
Malcolm (to camera) thats a “like you” stare right? Right?
(in the background Lois is chasing Jamie through bushes)
(Reese sitting in his tent eating ice cream littered with empty bowls, 3 little kids now approach)
Reese: I told you to get lost!
Kid: I told you he stole our ice cream!
Reese: what are you going to do about it?
(he stands up and is double their size, they run)
Reese: thought so!
(Dewey at the counter)
Dewey: just a glass of water?
Clerk: sorry we don't have a “glass”. It is $2 for a bottle of water.
Dewey: but i don't have any money!
Clerk: then i don't have any water!
(Malcolm walks over to talk to Beth while Hal is examining another hole)
Malcolm: I'm sorry we are taking so long, my Dad he is kind of a perfectionist.
(Beth has a horrified look, the other 3 are laughing in the background)
Beth: you do know that...(interrupted)
(Lois appears out of nowhere, she is out of breath and holding Jamie and pulls Malcolm by the arm away from them)
Lois: This is supposed to be a family outing you can talk to your little friends anytime.
Girl2 (whisper): are they freaks or something?
Beth: Well, I thought the school Valedictorian was OK, but I need to change my answer to YES.
(Hal approaches the 18th Hole with Malcolm, Lois and Jamie behind)
(Dewey approaches from another direction)
Hal: There you are Dewey. Here we are at the 18th Hole ready for that free ice cream.
Dewey (sweating and exhausted): Yes
(Hal sees the sign and reads aloud)
Hal: whats this? “Free ice cream discontinued. The manager is on vacation. Please send all complaints by mail only. Thank You.”
Dewey: NOOOO!
Hal: Well that was a waste of time. Let's get out of here. Here kids.
(he hands all their golf balls to a bunch of kids mysteriously hanging out at the 18th hole. Hal and family walk away. The kids drop a bunch of balls at once into the machine which they have tampered with to allow cheating. Inside the tent Reese can be heard.)
Reese: Jackpot!
(Reese tries to step out of the tent to exchange the tickets and trips on rope placed across the entrance. Face down in the dirt he looks up and sees a dozen little kids above him)
Kids (yelling): ahhhh!
(The tarp topples over on him and he is entangled in it and the rope)
Kid1: You want ice cream?
Kid 2: here is your ice cream!
Reese: no! stop!
(kid 1 smears ice cream all over Reese)
(kid 2 force feeds Reese more ice cream)
(In the parking lot, Lois is struggling to get Jamie in the seat of the Van)
Hal: You better believe I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to the manger, believe you me.
(Lois with twigs in her hair, dirt on her face and torn clothes finishes with Jamie and turns to Hal)
Lois: I was beaten today Hal, really I'm too tired to care.
Hal: Oh, don't worry about the score honey. That place was rigged.
Dewey: cant we just BUY a drink?
Hal: Don't be silly, we have drinks at home.
(Reese walks past the four girls)
girls (whispering): thats his bother, he looks slimy
(Reese approaches the van, walking slowly and holding his stomach with one hand and a bag in the other. He has multicolored goo in his hair and and chocolate sauce on his face.)
Dewey: whats in the bag?
Reese: Ice cream.
Dewey (excited!): give me some!
Reese: take it (hands the bag over, Dewey looks through it)
Dewey: All these containers are empty!
Reese: I fill sick. And I'm sticky
(a car pulls up. Francis and Piama step out of the air conditioned car each holding a giant fruit smoothie)
Francis: Figures, once again you have excluded me from the family. Well guess what I'm not falling for your silly mind games. We are going straight home.
(Lois just stares, exhausted)
Francis: come on sweetie
(Francis and Piama get back in the car, and are about to drive off. Dewey approaches and Piama rolls down the window)
Dewey: Is that a fruit smoothie?
Piama: Yes, want a sip?
Dewey: (turns to the van) I'm going home with them see you later.
(Dewey gets in the car and it drives off)
Lois: (yelling far away) Malcolm! Malcolm!
(Malcolm approaches Beth)
Malcolm: I'm sorry, you must think I'm weird?
Beth: No, I think you are pervert! (slaps him across the face).
Malcolm: what?
Beth: totally gross! You can't even have a normal conversation. You were gawking at me all day, waving, winking, performing some obscene motions on the ground with your own father straddling you, meanwhile you have your fly open all day. Don't ever talk to me again! (she storms off, jumps in the convertible and the 4 drive off)
(Malcolm slowly looks down and zips up, then walks away)
Lois(yelling from far away): Malcolm get in the car!
(Malcolm walks towards the van slowly)
Malcolm (to Camera): This type of humiliation ends once I'm 2000 miles away right? Right?
(Malcolm climbs in and slams the van door shut)
MINI-GOLF (Malcolm in the Middle fictional episode 152)
Hal is driving the van and Lois is in the passenger seat with Reese, Malcolm, Dewey and Jamie in the back. All the windows are open and they are sweating on a very hot summer day, after graduation.
Malcolm (to camera): Mom is getting sentimental about me leaving for college soon. She keeps insisting we go on family outings together. Each time my family is seen in public without being recognized, I consider that a good day.
Lois: This is going to be so much fun!
Reese: Why did I have to leave my air conditioned apartment to come sweat hitting some golf balls.
Lois: We don't have much time left with your brother. And because I said so.
Reese: I don't even live with you anymore you can't....oh nevermind.
Dewey: but Francis isn't even here!
Lois: Thats his own fault. I told him to meet us hours ago.
(Cell phone rings, Hal hands it to Lois)
Hal: you talk to him
Lois: Hello
(ON cell phone in another car) Francis: Where are you? You didn't wait for us?
Lois: Francis I told you hours ago we were leaving. Just meet us there. It is only a few minutes from the house.
Francis: Fine. We'll be right there. (hangs up)
(in the passenger seat of Francis' car) Piama: What are you doing? Why didn't you tell her we are still an hour away?
Francis: And give her the satisfaction of knowing we left late? I don't think so.
Piama: Well at least slow down we are going to get a ticket.
(2 seconds later flashing blue lights)
(Van pulls into a parking lot with a large sign that reads “Fun for the Whole Family”. The family gets out)
Lois: Jamie be a good boy today and we will have lots of fun!
(Lois struggles to get Jamie out of the van as he squirms)
Lois: I would appreciate if everyone can help keep an eye on Jamie today. He has been....
(Lois looks around and sees the rest of the family is out of earshot already)
(approaches a counter run by a teenage clerk. A large sign reads “Entrance”and“ Hole in One on 18th wins the ice cream of your choice!!!”)
Hal: we have 8. I have a coupon for half price for a round for a family
clerk: OK but that only covers a party of 4, you will have to pay full for 4.
Hal: what? it clearly says family, this is my family
clerk: sorry only 1 party of four on a hole at a time, you need 2 groups.
(disgruntled) Hal: here we will just take 4 clubs (hands some money)
(Lois approaches carrying Jamie. Clerk begins handing Hal clubs.)
(Hal passes out the clubs)
Hal: One for Dewey and Me.(hands to Dewey) One for Malcolm and Reese.(hands to Malcolm) One for Francis and Piama, Reese hold this till they get here (hands to Reese). And one for Jamie and mommie(hands a baby sized club to Jamie)
Lois: Hal Jamie is not old enough to hit the ball in the hole. And what Am I supposed to do with a 2 foot club. We'll be lucky if he doesn't use it as weapon.
Hal: Don't be silly honey, it will be fun.(Hal turns around to the counter to get the balls. Jamie swings the club at Hal's head and Lois, still holding Jamie, grabs it with her other hand 2 inches from impact, she puts Jamie down and is ready to scold him)
(Hals now has the balls and very quickly turns and gives 1 to Jamie. Jamie runs and toss the ball, it bounces off the sign, off a tree a to a hole in one on the first hole)
Hal: See, he is a natural at this!
(Lois, still holding the golf club gives a stare of disbelief and then runs after Jamie)
(still standing at the edge of the parking lot is Malcolm and Reese)
(a sporty convertible pulls in with 4 teen girls getting out)
Malcolm: Hey weren't those girls in our class?
Reese: how should I know?
(back at the counter) Dewey: It's 90 degrees out here I want an ice cream.
(back at the counter) Hal: don't be silly, we aren't buying an ice cream from these Robber Barons, we will win it just like the sign says!
(Reese wondering off, talking to himself) Reese: Free ice cream? Good idea.
Malcolm (now alone, staring at the girls): Ya, thats Rachael. And Beth, I think I saw her on the school tennis team. Great! Now we get to be made fun of for going mini-golf with out parents. Wait! They are mini-golfing too they can't make fun of us for that. If we can just somehow watch each others back and pretend we aren't with Mom? OK Reese? (looks around and the rest of the family is gone) Reese?
(Beth approaches, with the other girls giggling in the background)
Beth: Talking to yourself? And what are you gawking at? And your...
(interrupted by a loud yell out of sight)
Lois: MALCOLM! Get over here we are starting!
(Malcolm turns and runs to Lois)
(Reese is alone, looking at the 18th hole. It has a sign “Hole in one wins a free Ice cream of your choce”. The machine is covered to prevent cheating, tickets come out of the side of the machine.)
Reese: This will work
(Reese walks towards a nearby shed and is now in a maintenance area looking around. Tools, gardening supplies and a lawnmower are nearby)
Reese: nice!
(picks up a tarp some cardboard, rope and some long pipes along with the golf club)
(Francis with his hands on the hood of the car)
Francis: If you just knew my mother you would realize why it really was necessary to do 90 in a 60MPH zone officer!
Piama: (in a cute summer dress) Officer we are sorry. It won't happen again. Francis just take the ticket and stop arguing lets go.
Officer: Next time I see you driving like that on my stretch of highway you are done for mister. Get out of here.
(Malcolm stands around staring at the girls who are 1 hole behind them)
(on a tee of a simple hole with no obstacle Dewey takes a shot without even aiming)
Dewey: I want an ice cream.
Hal: you aren't going to win an ice cream with shots like that. This is how you do it.
(wiggles hips and takes a careful shot scoring a hole in 1.)
Hal: ha-cha! (celebratory motions)
(Lois steps up to the tee and bending over with Jamie in front they swing the 2 foot club together, it slips from Lois hands and Jamie swings it into her leg)
Lois: Ouch! Jamie!
(Beth approaches Malcolm)
Beth: Did you know your...
Hal (interrupting): Malcolm your up!
Malcolm: Oh, right. (he turns away from the girls for the first time)
(an outside view of the 18th hole is shown. People are playing. A tarp is rigged like a tent to obscure the side of the hole and has a large cardboard sign that reads “Free ice cream discontinued. The manager is on vacation. Please send all complaints by mail only. Thanks You”)
(Reese is seen smiling, hiding under a tarp collecting tickets from a machine with one hand and holding a vanilla ice cream cone in the other)
Reese: lets see, vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, mint, then rocky road...
(Jamie stands by the edge of a pond holding a giant goldfish by the tail)
Lois: Jamie put that down!
(fish flops back into the pond)
(Hal stands on a tee to a hole with a bridge that goes over the pond)
Hal: You see Dewey, holes like this are killer. Plop in the water, game over! But that only happens to amateurs. It is all psychological. The green is straight!
Dewey: (frowning): How about a lemonade?
(ignoring him, Hal takes the shot. The straight shot inexplicably curves and plops in the pond)
Hal (frowning) what the? (bending down examining bridge then stands and holds out his arms and balances on one foot)
Hal: The grade here is funny, totally unacceptable for a professional course. I mean obstacles are one thing, that is part of the game son. But look at this shoddy bridge, nobody can hit the ball over this misshapen monstrosity.
(Jamie suddenly hits the ball for a hole in one and runs by on the bridge with Lois limping after him)
Hal: good thing we have an extra ball. Where are Francis and Piama anyway?
(Malcolm is staring back at the girls some distance away. The group of 3 girls are seen looking back and laughing, the fourth one Beth has arms crossed and looks upset staring back. He tries winking at Beth)
Malcolm (to camera): It's not just me right? She really is staring at me?
(After Jamie's shot he smiles, waves and tries to act suave hitting the ball.)
(Reese at a counter)
clerk: didn't i see you here already?
Reese: my family doesn't like ice cream they gave me all their tickets.
Clerk: whatever, just give me the tickets.
Reese: I'm going to need bowls for all these, cones melt to fast. And a bag
(at a complicated hole with many obstructions Hal is examining his ball stuck in a rut)
Hal: How are you supposed to hit the ball out of here. It is wedged in there, there is no way to take a good swing.(feigns a swing which hits a wooden obstruction)
Lois: Just pick it up and move it we don't have all day!
Hal: Don't be silly. Any golfer knows that is a stroke penalty. I won't give them the satisfaction.
(Dewey sweating, frowning approaches an ancient looking rusty bubbler)
Dewey: Water?
(he presses a lever and brown ooze drips out)
Dewey: I'll wait
Hal: don't worry son, we'll win that ice cream in no time.
(out of sight yelling) Lois: JAMIE!
(in an air conditioned car with windows closed)
Francis: I can't believe you made us waste 20 minutes pulling into that rest stop.
Piama: Well if we left on time, we would have been there by now. Then I wouldn't have had to stop.
Francis: Don't blame me. My mother is playing games with us. She doesn't want us there. Well won't she be surprised when we actually show up!
Piama: Anyway, it was worth it. Who would have thought a rest stop would have such good all natural fruit smoothies. (holding a tiny pink drink with a straw)
Francis: Give me a sip.
Piama: Sorry, empty. (holds it upside down)
(Francis frowns)
(on the same hole as before, Hal is measuring the obstructions with his club as a ruler)
Malcolm: Dad! Come one! We are holding everyone up.
(the 4 girls stand agitated waiting at the beginning of the hole)
Hal: if i can just twist this board...(pulling)
Groundskeeper: Hey! You can't do that.
Hal: there seems to be a slight...ah, misalignment on this course, I was just correcting it.
Groundskeeper: Just get your ball and move along sir.
Hal: very well ill take 7 on this hole but i am writing an explanation next to my score.
Malcolm: lets just skip to the next hole
Hal: nonsense, you can learn from my mistake, now hit it left instead of right
(on another hole)
Lois: I'm so sorry. I don't know what has gotten into him. Here.
(Lois is holding Jamie and with her other hand gives a stranger back his toupee)
(Reese is sitting in his tent eating ice cream. 1 small kid wanders around back which isn't covered)
kid: Hey you have ice cream!
Reese: beat it kid!
(kid runs)
(back on the same hole Hal is standing over Malcolm looking at a ball. Malcolm is wiggling on the ground at odd angles with his butt in the air and his club as a pool cue)
Hal: Oh, Yes like that, that will do it!
(Malcolm hits the ball and it bounces backward.)
Hal: you can't go left, you cant go right, how do you get past this thing? (kicks it)
(Malcolm stands)
Hal: where are your brothers anyway, how did they get past this thing and leave us in the dust?
Malcolm: I don't care lets just go. (looks back, girls are still staring)
Malcolm (to camera) thats a “like you” stare right? Right?
(in the background Lois is chasing Jamie through bushes)
(Reese sitting in his tent eating ice cream littered with empty bowls, 3 little kids now approach)
Reese: I told you to get lost!
Kid: I told you he stole our ice cream!
Reese: what are you going to do about it?
(he stands up and is double their size, they run)
Reese: thought so!
(Dewey at the counter)
Dewey: just a glass of water?
Clerk: sorry we don't have a “glass”. It is $2 for a bottle of water.
Dewey: but i don't have any money!
Clerk: then i don't have any water!
(Malcolm walks over to talk to Beth while Hal is examining another hole)
Malcolm: I'm sorry we are taking so long, my Dad he is kind of a perfectionist.
(Beth has a horrified look, the other 3 are laughing in the background)
Beth: you do know that...(interrupted)
(Lois appears out of nowhere, she is out of breath and holding Jamie and pulls Malcolm by the arm away from them)
Lois: This is supposed to be a family outing you can talk to your little friends anytime.
Girl2 (whisper): are they freaks or something?
Beth: Well, I thought the school Valedictorian was OK, but I need to change my answer to YES.
(Hal approaches the 18th Hole with Malcolm, Lois and Jamie behind)
(Dewey approaches from another direction)
Hal: There you are Dewey. Here we are at the 18th Hole ready for that free ice cream.
Dewey (sweating and exhausted): Yes
(Hal sees the sign and reads aloud)
Hal: whats this? “Free ice cream discontinued. The manager is on vacation. Please send all complaints by mail only. Thank You.”
Dewey: NOOOO!
Hal: Well that was a waste of time. Let's get out of here. Here kids.
(he hands all their golf balls to a bunch of kids mysteriously hanging out at the 18th hole. Hal and family walk away. The kids drop a bunch of balls at once into the machine which they have tampered with to allow cheating. Inside the tent Reese can be heard.)
Reese: Jackpot!
(Reese tries to step out of the tent to exchange the tickets and trips on rope placed across the entrance. Face down in the dirt he looks up and sees a dozen little kids above him)
Kids (yelling): ahhhh!
(The tarp topples over on him and he is entangled in it and the rope)
Kid1: You want ice cream?
Kid 2: here is your ice cream!
Reese: no! stop!
(kid 1 smears ice cream all over Reese)
(kid 2 force feeds Reese more ice cream)
(In the parking lot, Lois is struggling to get Jamie in the seat of the Van)
Hal: You better believe I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to the manger, believe you me.
(Lois with twigs in her hair, dirt on her face and torn clothes finishes with Jamie and turns to Hal)
Lois: I was beaten today Hal, really I'm too tired to care.
Hal: Oh, don't worry about the score honey. That place was rigged.
Dewey: cant we just BUY a drink?
Hal: Don't be silly, we have drinks at home.
(Reese walks past the four girls)
girls (whispering): thats his bother, he looks slimy
(Reese approaches the van, walking slowly and holding his stomach with one hand and a bag in the other. He has multicolored goo in his hair and and chocolate sauce on his face.)
Dewey: whats in the bag?
Reese: Ice cream.
Dewey (excited!): give me some!
Reese: take it (hands the bag over, Dewey looks through it)
Dewey: All these containers are empty!
Reese: I fill sick. And I'm sticky
(a car pulls up. Francis and Piama step out of the air conditioned car each holding a giant fruit smoothie)
Francis: Figures, once again you have excluded me from the family. Well guess what I'm not falling for your silly mind games. We are going straight home.
(Lois just stares, exhausted)
Francis: come on sweetie
(Francis and Piama get back in the car, and are about to drive off. Dewey approaches and Piama rolls down the window)
Dewey: Is that a fruit smoothie?
Piama: Yes, want a sip?
Dewey: (turns to the van) I'm going home with them see you later.
(Dewey gets in the car and it drives off)
Lois: (yelling far away) Malcolm! Malcolm!
(Malcolm approaches Beth)
Malcolm: I'm sorry, you must think I'm weird?
Beth: No, I think you are pervert! (slaps him across the face).
Malcolm: what?
Beth: totally gross! You can't even have a normal conversation. You were gawking at me all day, waving, winking, performing some obscene motions on the ground with your own father straddling you, meanwhile you have your fly open all day. Don't ever talk to me again! (she storms off, jumps in the convertible and the 4 drive off)
(Malcolm slowly looks down and zips up, then walks away)
Lois(yelling from far away): Malcolm get in the car!
(Malcolm walks towards the van slowly)
Malcolm (to Camera): This type of humiliation ends once I'm 2000 miles away right? Right?
(Malcolm climbs in and slams the van door shut)